Just when I thought...

...I was destroyed, I was repaired, well that's how I felt when I wrote my last entry, and it seems my feelings from that have been amplified today, but in between then and now, something else has occured to mix it up a bit. Yes that's right it seems a skeleton from my closet has appeared and is trying to stamp on all the flowers in my Garden of Eden in my little world of happiness. That skeleton that made me feel bad for the last 5-6 months of last year, well maybe not for the whole of that time, but a high percentage of it. In that time, I left myself open too easily and I was ripped apart as a result, as much as I hate to admit it.

It was the same old story, she was playing the guilt trip card, saying she didn't know why I was upset... I'm sorry love but if you don't know that by now after all the times I said how I felt, from the blog I told you to read that was directed at you as a message, but it was there so all could see as my witness that I said it, then you are a very, very, very stupid girl. I would have said woman but to be honest I don't think you have developed quite enough for me to call you that, the way you have acted has proved that.

I am intrigued to know what it is that has made you interested in me again all of a sudden? Is it the fact that you saw the bulletin I posted on my bands MySpace, did you notice that you hadn't deleted it from your friends list when you deleted my profile? Is it the fact that I have a hair cut now and I look more like how you wanted me to look when I was talking to you? Millions of people have said I look much better, so don't say you don't think the same as you were one of the people who said I would look better!

Oh by the way the fact that you made your facebook profile public, no doubt so people like me could see what you put up there has proved to me that you have not changed a single bit, apart from maybe the fact that all you are saying is about me and not about the guy you missed before when we were still talking. When I miss people, I usually stop when I find someone else, but it seems you need to lose somebody else to stop missing the person before, but then you miss the person you just lost, and I feel sorry for the next guy.

Anyways I will stop talking to her now and get back to saying that the reason I wrote this blog was because I wanted to say something, but I didn't want to say it to her, because that is giving her the attension she seeks from me.

Thanks again for reading!

xxx

Song for the day: "30/30-150" by Stone Sour
Dedicated to: Bobby

How did this smile happen?

A couple of days ago, I was feeling pretty down. I was beaten to the ground when I wrote my last entry, but the last 48 hours have been extremely eventful that I have completely forgotten about those feelings and I am now in bliss and can't wait for certain upcoming events... more so than I couldn't wait for them before...

The whole time I had a question I knew I had to ask, there was an answer I needed, and a barrier stopping me from asking the question. The whole time I was looking for a doorway, and I got close a few times but couldn't get it in there, but then the answer found it's way to me. For the first time in a long time, it was exactly what I wanted to hear, and in a split second I went from zero to infinity! Had I have written a post last night, I would have extended on this more, but I didn't so that's all your getting!

So as a result of last nights events, today has mainly involved looking forward to what *touch wood* is going to be happening over the next few days or so! Yes there are still things I am not sure about, but I can work through those in time. It seems that everything makes me think about it and I am so excited but at the same time nervous, like I haven't been in a long time! I have longed for this feeling since the moment I lost it all those months ago, and my only fear once again is losing that.

I may sound selfish in saying that but I can assure every single person that reads this that I am the last person on my mind right now. I just think that the world has a cruel way of dealing with how I feel and it's about time things started to run without all the drama. I don't want to die of a heart attack after all!

The last thing I would like to address in this entry is that someone made me realise how important my friends are to me, more so than I did before, and due to past experiences I appreciate them alot anyways, so I would like to thank Kim for being such an amazing friend over the last 3 years (almost) that I have known her, and I can't wait to be able to hang out with her and my other friends alot more!

Thanks for reading!

xxx

Song for the day [yesterday]: "Self Esteem" by The Offpring
Song for the day [today]: "Snuff" by Slipknot
Dedicated to: Freddie

Let's turn that 13 into a 31!

Well my worst fears seem to have been realised and just as I was starting to do the one thing I was trying not to do, things fell apart! Yes I gave into hope and once again it has hurt me when the pile of cards comes crashing down, but something is different... for some strange unknown reason I don't feel completely down anymore, I did feel depressed at first and was wanting to kill myself, well maybe not kill myself but I just wouldn't care if a bus came and ran me over... I mean if I really wanted to kill myself there would be no attension seeking nonscence I would have done it without any hastle and the room would have been a bloody mess by around half past 1 this afternoon!

So why am I not feeling down, is it because I don't know 100% if it's true or not? Is it because things other than that are going well for me? Or does fate have something else in store for me that I subconciously know about but have no bloody idea what it is? To be honest I think that maybe it is a combination of all 3, but there is another factor. Someone who know the full story from the start and when I told them what happened they seemed more shocked than me and most importantly showed that they were happy for me when I was happy, and showed me support when I was down. For me I think having friends that good numbs the pain somewhat and I would like to take this moment to thank Holly for being such an amazing friend!

In other news, if anyone saw the Download announcement last night then you would have seen that Dir En Grey were announced, they are a band that people have been requesting for weeks on the forums and now they are saying that that was a poor announcement, can the poor people at Live Nation not please anyone? I was happy with the lineup after the first announcement when Slipknot and Korn were both announced. That's only two frigging bands and I was as happy as Mr Happy in Happyville, Happifornia in the United States of Happiness on a happy summers day! So f*** all those people who want the entire lineup to vary from bands such as Rammstein to bands such as... erm... Rammstein?

Thanks for reading!

xxx

Song for the day: "Feelin' Way Too Damn Good" by Nickelback
Dedicated to: Steve

...and just like the movies.

It has recently been brought to my attension that in the world of Hollywood movies, I am a complete retard. So much so I have been told off for not watching certain films that I apparently should see before I die. To be honest I am not the best watcher of films, I never watch them when they come on TV, I have only just recently started going to the cinema with friends regularly, and my local DVD rental store has been closed down so unless I use the illegal methods of watching new films or classics that I haven't seen yet, it seems that the only movies I can watch are the ones in my DVD collection... however, I have a plan to extend this collection so that it's not Fight Club every other night.

I have started to make a list of films that I should have on DVD according to what friends have told me and so far the films I have on the list that I have not seen are; The Nightmare Before Christmas, The Rocky Horror Picture Show, and Reservior Dogs... and today I bought the first 2 of these movies and will probably end up watching them at some point over the next couple of days.

Now it has gotten to the point where I am actually beginning to realise how a movie critic must feel, having all these movies thrown upon them, half of which they don't actually want to see, for example The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button. I might as well have sat and watched the trailer on a loop for 3 hours. In no way did that film open my eyes because the whole time I was just thinking how it WOULD NEVER HAPPEN! Just think these poor critics are put through watching drivel like that everyday of their miserable working lives.

Before I finish, I just want to mension the fact that I have noticed more instances of the number 13 in my life, some are based around what I was talking about yesterday, and I am starting to think that maybe it could be a sign of some kind. I've been told not to worry too much about it, but it's hard not too. *touches wood* Maybe it's a sign that good things are going to happen, but at the same time I am still causcious about things. We'll see...

Thanks for reading!

xxx

Song for the day: "Tonight In Flames" by Cradle Of Filth
Dedicated to: Holly

13

For many years, I have been led to believe that 13 is an unlucky number, but to be completely honest, quite recently it hasn't been all that unlucky... *touches wood* Recently we have had 2 months where the 13th day has landed on a Friday which in common folklore is supposedly an extremely unlucky day due to the combination of the unlucky number 13, and the unlucky day which is Friday.

To be completely honest this year, so far *touches wood again*, has been the best I've had in a while. I just hope it gets better. The amount of times the number 13 has popped up in the last few weeks is actually quite incredible and now I'm starting to think that maybe it is my lucky number. I am a man who believes in superstition, I have already touched wood (in a non-sexual way) twice whilst writing this blog, I beleive there is something about the number 13 that determines luck, or at least the number comes with a message of something that may (or may not) happen, be it a good or a bad thing. I always make sure I open packets the right way up because I remember the one time I didn't and everything went wrong. I have never broken a mirror in my life and hopefully never will. I even have a lucky pair of underpants, they helped me with my Java assignment on Thursday in fact.

In a way I am hoping the number 13 will bring me more or more good luck, because without realising it, a few minutes ago I may, or may not have made something happen in 13 days time. If I would have waited a few hours I could have made it happen in 12 days, or maybe something beyond my control wanted it to be 13, who knows right? Right now, all I hope is that the number 13 will continue to bring me more good luck in the future *touches wood*.

Thanks for reading!

xxx

Song for the day: "Prison Song" by System Of A Down
Dedicated to: Kimmy